I rediscovered this old blog post from when I lived in The Real House (webcam house).

I had to play the role of cop at our party last night.
I kicked a person out.

I should explain a bit about my philosophy of parties.
Parties, like sexual encounters, require trust.

Approximately 7 years ago, I started throwing parties that had “boarding” times. The invite said, “The ship leaves at 10…latecomers will NOT be allowed on board.”

The purpose was this:
Even though you don’t change physical locations, a party can be a journey. As people drink, talk, and get to know each other, boundaries relax. Hopefully conversations go down unexplored avenues. People feel comfortable dancing or singing to a song aloud.

A Vibe is created.

As people become more comfortable in that vibe, it intensifies. People may shed inhibitions, not out of intoxication, but due to comfort. People share poetry. People share secrets. People surrender to the experience.

My goal is to create a vibe where, if I wanted to, I could take my pants off and not freak people out. (I rarely go through with the “pants-removal” test, but it is a good goal.)

But that kind of Vibe is very difficult to create or maintain when new elements are constantly added to the mix.

I have been to too-many gatherings that were ruined by someone’s late, drunken arrival. The Vibe just shifts a bit. Suddenly the person dancing in their underwear and the blue boa feels a bit naked and slips their pants back on.

Not that the latecomer wouldn’t be more-than-welcome at another gathering. But they are like someone who shows up in the middle of a movie and needs to filled in on the plot so far. It’s not a malicious act, by any means, but it does detract from the movie-watching experience. It pulls you out of the cinematic journey. And a late arrival to a party can have similar effects.

Note: This “boarding time” idea is NOT ALWAYS a party rule. Only for occasions where a special kind of group intimacy is desired.
(For example, on this evening, the birthday girl had requested late night spankings. A good spanking requires intimacy.)

When it is going to be a “boarding-time” party, we send out email invitations and explain the expectations on the invite.

And, I enforce the rules.

Last night, some drunken neighbors crashed our party somewhere around 3:30 in the morning. They started talking with people who were outside smoking and apparently were invited inside by someone.

It was tough. Part of me wants to extend loving, open arms to everyone on the planet. But they weren’t invited, it will change the vibe, and I think it betrays the confidence and trust the rest of the party has been building the last 5 hours or so.

So I politely explained to him that this was a closed, costume, birthday party. I even explained the concept of a boarding time and why my asking him to leave had nothing to do with him personally. It is simply part of the theme of the party. I told him that I looked forward to another time when we can all be on the journey together, and I wished him well.

I try to deal with situations like that with the Aikido mentality. I don’t want to meet their energy head-on and create a conflict…I simply want to redirect their energy. In this case, redirect it out the door.

Forty-five minutes later he returned to the party. I found him sitting in the living room listening to music. If he weren’t there, the party would have passed the pants test. So I asked him, very nicely, to leave. He refused.

I asked the DJ to cut the music and I think the abruptness snapped him out of his stupor a little. He walked to the door while condemning my attitude and lack of openness.

I apologized, wished him well, and locked the door behind him.

Dandelions may be beautiful flowers. But you have to weed them out if you’re trying to grow roses.

I wish I didn’t have to do it. I wish he didn’t put me in that situation. But I’m not going to let one person’s intrusion detract from our group journey. I’m glad he is interested in our vibe. Perhaps another time he can participate. I wish the whole world could come to the party and have a group hug together. But I don’t think we’re ready, yet.


I’m sorry if that sounds elitist or cold. I just don’t want to water down an experience in exchange for being all-inclusive. You wouldn’t think of inviting yourself into someone’s bedroom while they were having sex…it would ruin their intimacy. And I think a party can be a similarly intimate experience.

Protect the Vibe, by any means necessary.

the notice behind me was a legal warning that your image and video was owned by us if you entered the house.

Love more. Fear less. Float more. Steer less. Host of @HugNation every Tues. @1pm PST